last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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