Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So gin and wine won't be happening again
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
