Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
