rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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