actually, I'm a sock model
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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