guys are not supposed to queef...right?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
