I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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