Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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