my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
