i love accidental penises.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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