Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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