There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
