I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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