When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
