Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize