my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
