How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
