k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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