this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
