I'm so fucking centered right now
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Alive.
So much puke
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
