one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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