yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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