she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
