I'm gonna have a badass scar
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
