You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
