Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
