I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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