Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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