Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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