I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
