Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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