rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
