using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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