Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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