"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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