i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It was like getting head from an anaconda
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize