Cold hands, warm shart.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Randomize
