Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize