i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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