he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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