Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
