there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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