I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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