you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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