i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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