my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
