Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize