I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
