Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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