I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize