I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
