i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize