My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I know her cup size but not her name....
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